Giving Thanks and Coming Home to the Unknown

By Jonathan Koe

Pardon the slightly depressive tone – I have no intention whatsoever to ruin the Turkey Hangover clouding over all of us the morning after Thanksgiving. One might even say that this post is an early pre-Christmas-break thought since the Thanksgiving is so short and doesn’t always allow for the reflective mode to soar full-on. But one often feels a certain nervousness before breaks where one comes home to one’s family – an emotion that is similar to the fear of reverse culture shock.

To most American, the famous turkey holiday is designated for Mom’s home cooking and catching up with friends back home. To most of the international students population, it’s a time to catch up with friends in the dorm – ones you have been too busy to set aside time for and hang out with during the semester. To some others, it’s a hybrid of the two. In any case, blame MSM’s lack of a fall break, it really is the first breathing period a lot of us get since the start of the fall semester. Fortunately or unfortunately, for many elusive, soul-searching artists (myself included) every semester in college and grad school signifies major departures in terms of personality. It’s hard to recognize that every time one goes back to what one calls home, there is always an element of the unexpected. The things you learn about yourself and the habits you’ve picked up this semester – will it create conflicts with those you love and left back home? Often these transitions can be perpetually strange and stressful, both for us and for the loved ones we spend time with during the holidays.

Last year when my sister started her undergraduate studies in California, we informally decided to spend Thanksgiving with each other henceforth. She visited NYC in Thanksgiving 2011 and this year it’s my turn. Long story short, this break has become a much-needed catching-up period for both of us – in terms of sleeping and rekindling the siblingship. I got to meet some of the friends she made during college and the places she frequently hangs out in. I got to take my time to appreciate and finally develop a kind of winter fling for the beautiful California, which is certainly a change of pace from the uncontrollably hectic treadmill-like NYC.

Certain things stay the same over the years – the way we easily click, the lack of awkwardness, the inside jokes. Certain other things gradually change – no longer is she the baby sister that sits wide-eyed listening to her older, more experienced brother’s tales of being out in the real world. There were moments when I realize that my younger sister is now a mature, fully-functioning adult. She navigated the different counties of California with apparent ease, formed her own ideas about love and life, and I have to start respecting the fact that on top being a family member, I am also her guest. There are certain codes of ethics and boundaries to be acknowledged.

There are often underlying fears that we would misunderstand each other. After all, when two people who assumed that through long personal history and similar upbringing they would get along set out to their own respective paths, there is bound to be differences. We discussed the dangers of that assumption – like old friendships, siblingships could become problematic because you feel entitled to knowing this person inside out. 

The fact is, the only constant in our existence is the fact that we are human – malleable, ever-changing, and imperfect. Coming home to the people you come from could be challenging because it’s like coming home to the unknown. Sounds like a paradox? It is. If one insists on the old image of one’s family, one is likely to be disappointed. The miles, the different struggles, the separate social circles – is it even realistic to expect the past to be reconstructed?

Perhaps it’s better to embrace the change, to look at the differences and admiring the quirks in them. The way your sibling is slightly more irritable (or at least isn’t as guarded about showing their emotions) when you’re slow in the morning or the waitress is less than professional, the way they laugh a little differently, the way they start defining themselves through their appearance – all of these often makes you wonder if they are the same person you knew growing up. Relax. They probably feel the same about you.

As I end the Thanksgiving Day watching the movie Your Sister’s Sister with my sister, I was reminded that the bond between siblings is a very powerful one. No one should be allowed to step in and mess it up – not even ourselves. At the end of the day, they are the ones who will have your back. I hope that we all take the time to tell our siblings how grateful we are that they are in our lives.